Letting go….

of things that i can’t control is very difficult for me….i’ve always been that way and since my illness, i’ve become worse….

oh to not worry about everything and everyone for just one day….but is it worry or control…?…

why would they do it that way?….why can’t they do it my way, the right way?…it’s tiresome to say the least….

i can’t control the hiv or fix the neurological damage so i fuss about cleanliness and other’s behavior, that i can control, or so i think…….perhaps not.

maybe i need a vacation, by myself, near the shore…..no cell phone, no contact, no worries?…….sounds great to me….

empty my head….let go of it all….find a little peace….:=)

My Father

sadly is all i have left…..he’s so disconnected from me and in a world of his own, but he’s always been that way….it drove my mother nuts….

today, he comes in with a desk lamp, i ask what for?….the new light in the dinning room is too dim, so i’ll get an extention cord and use this to read….huh?

when i bought the new light i asked if it was ok and he said yes, then no, so i got a standing light so he could read….all was ok?….now this….

i said that was dumb i saved the reciept  we’ll get a new light…..no this will be ok….um no it will look ridiculous……the fight began….of course with my brain injury , i lost it……emotional wreck…..why so emotional?….i  don’t know maybe the problem i’ve been living with for 8yrs now……..disconnected

glass thrown…tears….over a fucking light…..

hours later…i come up with 3 solutions, call him….sounds good…..he acts like it never happend….typical WASP……

“god grant me the strength to accept what will never change in him and the wisdom to know how to do it”

Rosie O’Donnell

she’s free at last, good god almighty free at last…….ok, i may have gone a bit overboard, but i’m happy she’s free.  “the view” was becoming so volitile for her……..Hasslebeck was auditioning for a spot on fox noise and exploiting the exposure she got from rosie….baabaawaawaa began stiffling the views on there, great move by the so called pioneer…..

 i will no longer watch…..but with rosie gone it’ll go back to shows about doggie weddings, fashion trends, wedding ideas, and all the typical safe girly convos……….BORING…..i think i’ll stop watching those baabaawaawaa specials as well…

 it wouldn’t surprise me if some guests start cancelling their appearances…..advertising $’s go down and the ratings plummet……..

wouldn’t it be a kick if they win the emmy?….all rosie…..

i can’t wait till rosie speaks out and gives it to them all…..i know it won’t take long till she gets a show………

Lost

ok, so i watched the season finale last night and well…huh?

for the past week the stars of “lost” have been making the rounds on the talk shows saying that things will be revieled, questions will be answered….NOT!!!

ok, so now we’re going to have flash forwards instead of flashbacks, i likey……but the finale left us with a ton more questions than answers…

what was answered….locke isn’t dead and can still heal himself…danielle got her daughter back…..desmonds girlfriend is somehow invovled (although that’s a question too)….

now we have….is charlie really dead……do they get off or was “bug eyes” right…..who  or what is the black smokey creature…..why were they brought there, by whom….who’s funeral did jack go to….AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN’T WAIT TILL FEBRUARY, I CAN’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mother

…..she would’ve been 65 on the 30th of may….gone way too soon.

may is a hard month with mother’s day and her birthday and then in august it’s hard again as she died 2 days after my birthday…..but i’m ok….

i think of her often as i watch shows we watched together or events i know she’d love and i’m not sad, just yearning to hear her or see her…..i sometimes wish i would’ve saved her voicemail message so i could remember her voice, but how creepy to hear her when you call….she’s a part of everything i do, good or bad….i have her emotional temperment and nosey ability and i’m fine with that….i only wish i would’ve respected her when she showed these traits…..now their mine to embrace…..

my good friend lost her mother last year and has been hospitalized twice for severe depression….she’ll go to the cemetery and cry all day…she’s doped up on meds and seems to reval in her pain…..i try to divert the conversation away from all the depression talk….but it always goes back…so i try again..

i feel guilty that i didn’t fall apart…huh?…my mother would not have wanted that….and i’m possitive her’s wouldn’t either……

i’m sure my mother sees me and all the progress i’ve made through my illness and she is proud….she always was….all her bingo buddies told me at her wake that all she did was gush about my accomplishments……thank you mom….i love you and miss you…xoxoxo

George W. Bush

he spoke today about things…….once again he got what he wanted in the iraq spending bill because the dems can’t over ride his  never ending veto…..and the gop can’t get their collective lips off hs ass long enough to see that the war has been lost for some time now..

he cares about the troops…yeah right…i think he doesn’t even believe himself anymore…he just will NOT say he was wrong, plain and simple….so more sons and daughters will die because of his pride…..he brought the terrorists to iraq and now says we can’t leave because they’re there….unbelievible…..this administration grasps at straws to find any justification to why we need to stay and the 28% shakes their head….”yes my wonderous leader, yes”….and the other 72% watch “american idol” and “dancing with the stars”….pitiful…

then the pundents blame the democrats, WHAT?…..their majority is not large enough to pass legislation that would hold him accountable…they should know this, you think?….it’s still the republicans that unless they are up for re-election and need the independent vote won’t hold him accountable…..

george is the worst, most ignorant, assinine president in our history……i hope he doesn’t destroy us in the time he has left…

“the view” was pre-empted here on the east coast, but rosie wasn’t on…she needs to run away from them…..false  idol is baabaawaawaa……elizabeth is just naive and lacking in every way…….

GOD BLESS HER LOUD, LESBIAN, BEAUTIFUL VOICE………….

Elizabeth Hasselbeck/The word “Terrorist”

well from watching the “view” this morning it’s obvious  where she learned her debating skills…….fox noise….just keep shouting and your oponent will tire out…

she is becoming a parody of herself, isn’t she?….the microchip was in overdrive this morning….i guess this was her audition to be a fox noise anchor-bimbo…doesn’t she realize that almost all of america is laughing at her atempts to be relavent?

i was waiting for rosie to go diving accross he table and knock the shit out of her…i just smiled……

the good thing is once rosie leaves the show it won’t be on much longer…….

the word “terrorist” is way over used in today’s society……used to justify hatred, used to keep us in line, conjure up fear, silence critics….but because of it’s over use, it has little impact anymore…..

a 3 year old who threatens a classmate….a terrorist! 

a group protesting SUV’S by pouring paint on them….A TERRORIST!!

fighters defending their homeland from invaders….A TERRORIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUSH…well, you get the point…..

the new tag word, terrorist…….and a war on terror is so broad it’ll never end….terrorism is a crime to be handled by police actions, not war….every other country handles it well in that manner but the good ol USA…..

george bush is the worst president ever, you were correct jimmy, and lets just pray that he doesn’t screw us up more than he has already in the short time he has left…

Elizabeth Hasselbeck

why is she even relavent?….what has she done?….reality tv, fashion school….wow impressive…

does hannity, o’lielly, coulter, and bush call her in the morning with the latest G.O.P. talking point…….just another brainless bimbo controled by fox noise…..just look at their “anchor” line up….looks like a stepford wives reunion…

i bet if she got a colonoscopy they’d find a republican transponder stuck up her ass feeding life into her souless body…useless like her 3rd string quaterback husband….daddy loves the other brother best

when rosie leaves the view it will fail…….it’ll never be watchable anymore….a slow bleed..

when it’s cancelled, elizabeth will get a gig on fox news…probably on their morning nightmare show….or hey she’s just as qualified to read the headlines or have her own opinion show….why not? all it takes is chanting the mantra……”bush is god….bush is our savior…”…….

if all else fails she can be hannity’s fluffer…her lips are allready on his ass….

if there is a god, when the view ends, and it will, she’ll just become another baby machine doped up on valium……….one can only dream….

“The View” today

omg, are the other 3 ladies gunning for rosie now that she’s leaving?

elizabeth, the mouthpiece of the g.o.p., needs to get a thought of her own….reality tv star, uneducated bimbo………

babawawa finally had a friggin opinion today….only to bash the bearer of ratings and money…..not for nothing but babawawa is so annoying lately i can’t even excuse her anymore…..pioneer…blah, blah,blah…..

 i hope they win best host chat at the emmy’s……then everyone will know it was only because of rosie…

on rosie’s last live show she needs to beat them down…….let them have it……instead of peace out….flip them off………..

Al Sharpton

another shooting by a cop today in nyc…..9yr veteran, never fired his gun, at the scene of an accident, driver trying to pull away…..shows badge…..guy reaches…sketchy….man shot…died….tragic…

 al swoops in like a vulture once again…arranges protest…exploits family’s grief…..

never waits for the facts before screaming “OFF WITH THEIR HEAD!!!!!!!!!”….useless human being in my opinon……useless…

does he truly speak for black america?…do they want him to?….would he care if the cameras were not there?…..does he do anything without a camera?….does the name twana brawley ring a bell?

he’s another media whore who hides behind a fake platform……using people’s pain for personal gain….doesn’t matter if he’s right or who he destroys because when the camera is off he leaves the carnage behind…….christian my ass………..