Octuplet’s Mom

OK, I saw a piece of the interview she did with Ann Curry of NBC and my first instinct about her is true, she’s a fucking wack job…….when asked about the criticism towards her having 14 children with no job, no home, and no father she said that she hugs her children everyday and that’s more than most parents do….huh? WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…she now has a PR firm out there going on about how she’s sifting through book and TV offers, big surprise there…..they’re also touting the fact that she’s going for her masters degree….well, that’ll be put on hold for a while….plus what the hell good would it do anyway, who’s going to watch the kids….also, did anyone notice her face? …..she looks like she’s had enough collagen pumped in her lips and her nose is totally done too….it’s so obvious this woman has a lot of issues and shouldn’t have one child….now she’s saying that it was being an only child, isolated and  alone that has driven her to have this clan….PPPLLLLEEEAAASSSEE!!!!!!!!!!!….sadly our society will make her some kind of celebrity and she get exactly what she wanted….attention….I still say that child services needs to watch her closely…

The Octuplets

there is something wrong with this woman and I believe that social services should be called in to evaluate her and possibly remove some of these kids from her……..she’s single, unemployed, bankrupt, living in a 3 bedroom house with her parents, and she thought 8 more children were OK?…..now you know her medical bills are being paid by taxpayer money and she’ll end up on welfare…….of course, some idiots will donate money and supplies to her and she’ll be offered a reality show, but personally I think she should be ostracized……but we can’t let the babies suffer because of her poor judgement….

Dementia Takes Away

I just got off the phone with my 86yr old aunt who is suffering from dementia caused by numerous mini strokes….when I first call I speak to her live-in and ask all the important questions knowing that she can’t answer anything that requires more than a yes or no answer….in the last year it’s gotten to the point where I’m not sure she even knows who I am any more…there are brief moments of clarity, but they are becoming non existent…….I haven’t been down to see her in a while because it is too painful to watch her stumble over words or just stare blankly at the wall…..she’s well taken care of by her step children….she has enough money to be taken care of for a while like this….I think she would benefit from being placed in a good home that deals with the elderly in her state, but her daughter promised her……I think I avoid going to see her because I really want to remember the vibrant woman she was, not the shell that’s left……I will be going to see her in a week though………..

My Mother

melancholy day today….snow on the way, they say……

lately, I’ve been thinking about you a lot…wondering if you know how I miss you so….

whenever there is a triumph, you’re my first though…a failure, you’re there too…

each day I try to live as you did, how you cared beyond your self interests….

it’s not always easy, but it is my truth.  my way now….

“Mama, Mama” plays and each line is from me to you….my deep hurt and joy…

I see you in my dreams and feel that they are signs…..from you to me…

if only I could know for sure, but I think I do…..xxxooo

The Holiday Season

is it just me or do most people feel that this time of year is stacked with unrealistic expectations that never live up to our ideals?……we go through the motions of what we’re expected to do almost without a thought…..full of anxiety…..praying it was over….never taking a moment to see what it is really supposed to be about…..

this year, no expectations….no tree….no lights….no going crazy about gifts…..just spending time with those I care about…..

I’m older now, most of my blood relatives are gone, so now I have mostly the family I chose….I have wonderful memories of holidays past and some not so pleasant as well…now I can choose to try and recreate them or go with new ones…I choose the latter.

now some say I’m being “grinchy” about the decorating, but it’s my choice….maybe if there were children around I’d feel differently, but there aren’t and I don’t…

Muriel

my cat……an unconditional love I can’t imagine being without.

10 years, her and I…..8 years I’ve been ill…..she’s been my source of joy when there is none…..she recognizes my frustration when I’m angry and hides…..when I’m done…she returns to help me heal.

 where ever I am in the house, there she is…tangled at times under my feet, afraid I’m going for good….sleeps by my head every night…..so happy to see me in the morning.

some say my cat is autistic because her behavior is erratic to everyone else but me…I say she just loves me beyond her comprehension.

Alzheimer’s is Cruel

went to see my great aunt today, she’s falling deeper and deeper into the abyss….her eyes seems hollow and even though there are signs of life, a smile, a laugh, there is little recognition of the world around her….
this fate was bestowed on her sister, my grandmother, and her mother……i watched my grandmother waste away mentally then physically………..did she even know me towards the end?….was she scared?…i wish i knew
going through this again i worry about my fate, is it mine too…..i’m scared, sad and angry…..this cruel illness is unforgiving.
i remember my aunt as the talker, the one who loved to chat, gossip….now she can’t even put a sentence together…..it hurts to see her, but i know i must visit….maybe she does know me and it brings her joy….i hope so because it only brings me pain and sadness………..

My Father

sadly is all i have left…..he’s so disconnected from me and in a world of his own, but he’s always been that way….it drove my mother nuts….

today, he comes in with a desk lamp, i ask what for?….the new light in the dinning room is too dim, so i’ll get an extention cord and use this to read….huh?

when i bought the new light i asked if it was ok and he said yes, then no, so i got a standing light so he could read….all was ok?….now this….

i said that was dumb i saved the reciept  we’ll get a new light…..no this will be ok….um no it will look ridiculous……the fight began….of course with my brain injury , i lost it……emotional wreck…..why so emotional?….i  don’t know maybe the problem i’ve been living with for 8yrs now……..disconnected

glass thrown…tears….over a fucking light…..

hours later…i come up with 3 solutions, call him….sounds good…..he acts like it never happend….typical WASP……

“god grant me the strength to accept what will never change in him and the wisdom to know how to do it”

Mother

…..she would’ve been 65 on the 30th of may….gone way too soon.

may is a hard month with mother’s day and her birthday and then in august it’s hard again as she died 2 days after my birthday…..but i’m ok….

i think of her often as i watch shows we watched together or events i know she’d love and i’m not sad, just yearning to hear her or see her…..i sometimes wish i would’ve saved her voicemail message so i could remember her voice, but how creepy to hear her when you call….she’s a part of everything i do, good or bad….i have her emotional temperment and nosey ability and i’m fine with that….i only wish i would’ve respected her when she showed these traits…..now their mine to embrace…..

my good friend lost her mother last year and has been hospitalized twice for severe depression….she’ll go to the cemetery and cry all day…she’s doped up on meds and seems to reval in her pain…..i try to divert the conversation away from all the depression talk….but it always goes back…so i try again..

i feel guilty that i didn’t fall apart…huh?…my mother would not have wanted that….and i’m possitive her’s wouldn’t either……

i’m sure my mother sees me and all the progress i’ve made through my illness and she is proud….she always was….all her bingo buddies told me at her wake that all she did was gush about my accomplishments……thank you mom….i love you and miss you…xoxoxo

i am my mother….

it’s official, i have become my mother

she’s been gone since 2000 and i have slipped into her role…

mostly it’s not a bad thing, she was sincere, caring, thoughtful, helpful, and nurturing..

on the other hand, there was the martyr syndrome, feeling used and ignored, and the “i know what’s best”….

i know if she is looking down on me she’s having a good laugh….

my cat, muriel, truly loves me….she asks for nothing but my attention….i think she’s autistic, she doesn’t like to be touched too long or held, but will rub my leg intently

she’s been mine since i’ve been living with aids……she knows more of my fears than anyone….non judgemental is she….xoxo

i read rosie’s blog every night before bed, or watch her video blogs….very soothing and funny…..i think her loud longisland accent reminds me of my mother…….