The Octuplets

there is something wrong with this woman and I believe that social services should be called in to evaluate her and possibly remove some of these kids from her……..she’s single, unemployed, bankrupt, living in a 3 bedroom house with her parents, and she thought 8 more children were OK?…..now you know her medical bills are being paid by taxpayer money and she’ll end up on welfare…….of course, some idiots will donate money and supplies to her and she’ll be offered a reality show, but personally I think she should be ostracized……but we can’t let the babies suffer because of her poor judgement….

My Hopes For This New Era

1. the partisanship will end….healthy, productive debate only please…

2. the Coulters, Hannitys, and Limbaughs will become a thing of the past…who needs all this hate and bigotry anymore?….do they really add anything to the national debate?

3. medical care for all…doctors controlling patient care….nobody in the USA should die needlessly…

4. stem cell research promoted by the government….it’s a shame that other countries are far ahead of us on this….

5. marriage equality for gays….also that ALL GAY PEOPLE WILL COME FLYING OUT OF THE CLOSET….wouldn’t that shock everyone?

6. that religious fanatics will go underground out of shame never to be seen again…..

7. a cure or better treatment for A.I.D.S…….

8. that Obama’s administration will get the middle east on the road to peace…..

9. that America will once again be the beacon it once was before the Bush era….

10. on a personal note….that I’ll continue to heal and become a better person….

Dementia Takes Away

I just got off the phone with my 86yr old aunt who is suffering from dementia caused by numerous mini strokes….when I first call I speak to her live-in and ask all the important questions knowing that she can’t answer anything that requires more than a yes or no answer….in the last year it’s gotten to the point where I’m not sure she even knows who I am any more…there are brief moments of clarity, but they are becoming non existent…….I haven’t been down to see her in a while because it is too painful to watch her stumble over words or just stare blankly at the wall…..she’s well taken care of by her step children….she has enough money to be taken care of for a while like this….I think she would benefit from being placed in a good home that deals with the elderly in her state, but her daughter promised her……I think I avoid going to see her because I really want to remember the vibrant woman she was, not the shell that’s left……I will be going to see her in a week though………..

Botox….My Savior

I went to the Neurologist today and got my Botox injections for my spasticity in my left arm and hand….I was so over due…..the tighter the arm gets….the harder it is to walk because it causes the leg/foot to tone up……the harder it is to speak, because it tenses up the left side of my neck as well….it’s all strangely connected….cause and affect.

 as soon as I left the office it feels looser….psychosomatic…perhaps….mind over body…maybe…but I think it’s the overwhelming feeling of relief…relief that I know my mobility and symptoms will get better….relief that my mood will stabilize a bit…just relief…

 speaking if my mood, my psychiatrist increased my Zoloft, not by much….he feels the slight increase will help get me to that happy content place…these are my words, not his…so far, so good.

so now we’re coming to year end….resolutions, no…I quit smoking a year ago…my weight is fine…I’m keeping up with my health….maybe next year more fun…….

Cold, Grey, and…….

I hate winter…..I need the sun to energize me….hate being cold….hate being stuck inside….

the Zoloft seemed to work in controlling my anger, rage……although I think I need an increase to reap the full benefit…..I guess the doctor was right…PTSD…

gave in and decorated for Christmas…..looks good…not too much….just enough…

I go for my botox injections in a week…I need them….my muscles are stiff and the cold doesn’t help either…..it also affects my moods as well….

we got a bit of snow today….not a fan….as I get older I can see why people move to warmer climates…….

PTSD

my shrink says that I suffer from a for of PTSD. 

he says that when people suffer a life threatening illness that alters their life substantially, PTSD is possible……….he prescribed an antidepressant that also works on anxiety, PTSD, and OCD. 

OCD can come along with the PTSD, it’s there to keep the person preoccupied as to not linger on their loss…….makes sense.

I began the meds on Thursday……….fingers crossed…..

New Chapter?

well, the new neurologist will take me on as a patient, so now I can get myself to my appointments….much better…I’m going to see a psychiatrist to see if he can help with the emotional side effects of my condition…..as far as the voice, still no real solution….i guess I’ll have to just accept my limitations….although, he did say that if the psychiatrist can relieve my anxiety, maybe the voice will calm down as well.

through the years that I’ve been dealing with this I’ve learned not to get excited about possibilities………just accept what does or doesn’t happen.

New Beginings

tomorrow I start another chapter in my recovery, hopefully.  I’ve made the painful decision to leave my current neurologist and begin to see another.  I’m not leaving because of anything to do with his treatment, it’s been great, but due ti logistical reasons.   now a new set of eyes will look at me and hopefully be able to give me a new perspective.

 I’m hoping that he will have a suggestion on easing my vocal strain……that is my biggest frustration.  not be understood….being looked at as if I’m not all there….the pity smile and condescending look…..I hate that.

maybe they can also give me suggestions on reeling in my emotions….my scar in the brain leaves my emotions right on the tipping point….on the edge……it takes little to push them over…….

hopefully, tomorrow will be the start of a better chapter for me.

Anger PT. 2

why do I lose it so easily sometimes?…I feel it bubbling up and can’t stop it….maybe that’s good?…healthy?….

I need to let things go sometimes…life is short, a thing I know too well…….

BREATHE IN…..RELEASE……..

Friends

through ones life friends come and go….if you’re lucky you’ll have a few that last your whole life….even though this is reality, it’s still not easy when friendships fade….especially when you’re ill and know that could be part of the reason…

when I first became ill they rallied around…by my side…..I came home, not sure if I’d survive…still they rallied…..a miracle, I got better….and still better….then they began to fade away….one by one

first co-workers……the calls came less and less….then the ones I thought would never go….my college buds……too much trouble I guess…I wasn’t useful?….I was confused, hurt, disappointed…but life goes on, and thankfully mine seemed to be….

so I felt now I had my core…..but as I continued to get better, more independent, driving again, maybe work….volunteering….they continue to fade….

I know I never asked a lot, not my nature…..now that I can travel to them, they’re not there…..I’m not naive, I know life goes on, they’re busy, but to just forget I exist….that pains me…

I have a strong outer shell, always have….a former co-worker nicked named “teflonman”….but it hurts, scares me….we all want to be remembered when we die….to feel like we mattered to someone, anyone….I’m no different.

I guess this is my new chapter…….I’ll try to make it memorable.